So Cold...

It was freakin 9º this morning. I hate it. I hate ice (except in my drink) and I hate snow (except when its really pretty). I just HATE cold. I'm in a bit of a better mood today. Things are better...I got my first paycheck since I've been back. It's not alot at all but its more than the $4 I've had in my account since i've been home. I actually have a full tank of gas in the car! I can't remember the last time that has happened, haha. Tomorrow I am taking my car in for an oil change/check up. I've gone WAY too long. Maybe about a year. I feel bad because I pay so much for the damn car and I haven't been able to afford to maintain it. It has been making some weird noises lately and the tire pressure light is ALWAYS on. Even last year when I took it for the oil change, the light was on. They checked it out, the light went off for awhile then went right back on. I fill the tires and it goes off for like 3 miles, then pops back on. I dunno...the tires don't look flat or anything. Hopefully they can permanently fix it this time.

I'm at work today...all day..by myself. Its lonely but its kinda cool because I can listen to my ipod. I sing pretty loud when no one is around, haha. I seem to work alot better when I have music on. It's always been that way.

The cable/internet thing...ugh its such a headache. Now I guess we are going with comcast..and our internet is supposed to be upgraded to go SUPER fast, which will be awesome. Especially since i've become addicted to downloading. Also, playing games on the playstation network should be way better..I won't lag as much, therefore I wont get killed as much. My dad scheduled them to come out Saturday the 6th...because I don't work saturdays, but I got my February schedule and guess what? I'm working all day on the 6th, haha. It's alright though, I need the hours. We will just have to reschedule the installation for the next Saturday. It wouldn't be a big deal, but I know I have a lot of shit in my room that is going to need to be rearranged. My ferret cage might have to be moved, the computer desk, the dresser the TV is on. I really need to be there. Plus, someone has to help watch the dogs. Mikey, Katie and Missy will be fine, but Elroy will want to kick the dude's ass. Someone needs to hold him back.

I CANNOT WAIT to finally have a DVR. Monday's will be easier...I can watch Gossip Girl and Life Unexpected and still record The Secret Life and Make it or Break it. (Yes, I watch the secret life, yes I know its lame, but have you SEEN Daren Kagasoff? Have you SEEN his underwear ads?). Tuesday will be easier..I can watch NCIS and still record 90210 and Melrose Place. Wednesday will be easier because I can watch Criminal Minds and CSI NY and record SVU and Cougar Town. Wait...SVU is going back to 9 since the whole conan/leno thing isn't it? Oh well.. Thursdays and Fridays don't really matter..all I have now is The Vampire Diaries. I dunno how i've become so addicted to so many shows. I promised myself I wouldn't. Everything was easier when all I had was Friends and SVU. I really didn't plan on the whole Life Unexpected thing..i wasn't going to watch it, but I caught the first one and really liked it. They DID advertise it as Gilmore Girls meets Juno. How could you not love that? haha. And Vampire Diaries...i thought I would like it when it first came out, but I refrained from watching it because it was just too much. Then I had to go and meet the hot vampires. Oh well, at least its not on at the same time as something else.

Even though I watch all these shows, for some reason, I have to multitask when watching. I'm ALWAYS on the computer..facebook or something while the show is on. I can't even remember the last time I sat down at home and watched a show without the computer on. Pretty pathetic.

As far as movies...I kinda want to see When In Rome and obviously I'm excited about Valentine's Day. I'm still a little bitter I can't go to that premiere. It will be epic. Though I know it will be a madhouse.

Alright, this entry turned out to be WAY longer than I expected. Time to go..haha

I'm in a bad mood..

I'm in a pretty bad mood today. I did something kinda dumb yesterday..I always act without thinking. I mean...It wasn't horrible...but I know i've been annoying this dude for awhile..not on purpose obviously, but looking back I know I have been. I jumped to conclusions and whether I was right about it or not, I shouldn't have even brought it up. Hopefully we can forget this happened.

That's not the only reason i'm in a bad mood though. Just a lot of stupid crap right now. This whole high def TV installation..its making my dad and I fight. Or its making me pissed and i'm doing all I can to not blow up. Basically AT&T told us one thing and now that it comes time to install it, we can't get what they said we could. So things are going to suck for me. Whatever. They aren't installing it today anyways because they need to work on our phone lines first, so we will figure it out.

Also i'm fighting with my brother. Over something stupid.

I dunno...i'm just in an overall pissy mood. Everyone gets like that. Though its been kinda permanent since i've gotten back from LA. I'll figure it out i'm sure.

I woke up way too early today..

My alarm was set for..right now..but the delivery man for the brand new HDTV decided to show up at 7:40 and get the dogs all riled up. Dad decided that when I get back from LA it's time to switch from direct tv and sbc internet to the new AT&T Uverse thingy. We'll see how it goes. I am excited about faster internet. And I guess i'm excited about more channels. Annnd...now I will actually have HDTV on my HD TV instead of regular tv and my HD playstation. Oh and I almost forgot..i will FINALLY have a DVR. That should make my life alot easier. No more taping things on VHS. I'm a little behind the times with that, haha. I dunno..i'm not as excited about it as i could be. I'm still not feeling 100% normal with everything.

You know how a few blogs ago I talked about how chicago sucks because I will ultimatley see people from my past that I don't care to ever see again? In the past 3 or so days...I saw 3 of them. And I don't live in a small town or anything...its freakin chicago. Before I went to LA I could go months without seeing anyone. I guess its just my luck. It wasn't HORRIBLE, only one of the people was bad enough to get my blood pumping, but still. I've come so far, I really don't want to see anyone ever again. After I figure things out for myself I really need to consider maybe moving away from here. But not now..I'm not ready yet.

On another note...why can't people be honest? Wouldn't life be easier if everyone just told the truth? I guess thats debatable, but I believe that it would be better. I hate liars...anyone who knows me knows that. And even more than just lying..i hate when people avoid the truth or do everything they can to skip around it and and pretend it doesn't exist. Just tell me. I will get over it if it's bad. I drive myself crazy when I think something is wrong...i overthink and I go through every possible scenario in my head to figure out what is going on when in reality, i have no idea. I'm sure I make a bigger deal out of it than it really is...but if I knew what was going on, i could just rest easy. I've been driving myself crazy about this certain scenario for a week now and I think i have to just let it go. It's not worth it anymore. It is what it is...I'm sure I will figure it out eventually.

Anyways, its time for work. I already know today I am going to be exhausted...i didn't get much sleep last night. Maybe i'll try and take a nap or something when I get home from work...before NCIS comes on, haha.

...

Today is one of those working all day days. Work from 8:30-12:30 then work from 5:00pm-9:00pm. Its cool though, i'm trying to figure out which movie I want to watch at work tonight. I have that new Jennifer Aniston one...maybe I'll watch that. I'd also like to watch 2012. Might freak me out a little though.

I dunno, i've been feeling a little off lately. Not myself I guess. I haven't really felt myself since the trip..i can't remember if it was on the trip or once I got home. Either way, I kind of hate it. I'm all paranoid and worried again about stupid shit. Stuff that doesn't really matter but at the same time gets to me. Something in my life really fucked me up to the point where I overthink everything that happens to me. I wish I could stop...and I really did get better with it, until recently. I feel like I'm back where I was.

I wish I was one of those people who ooze with self confidence. Not necessarily conceited, but I wish I felt better about myself. Heh, I recently hung out with someone who was kinda on the conceited side, and while he is pretty cool, it was kind of amusing to watch. I can't even fathom how some people can think that everyone loves them or everyone will be in love with them. I can't even think about anyone liking me or wanting to be around me, haha. It's a total 180, but I suppose both having no self confidence and having TOO MUCH self confidence can be equally as bad.

Ok, its time to pack up the laptop...work is almost over.

So Sleepy..

I'm still so out of whack from the trip. I'm sleeping a decent amount but I am still so tired. I don't have too much going on right now. Working, trying to get back on my feet financially after the trip. That's a little rough. I spent quite a bit of money out there. It was worth it though. I'm still feeling a little bit of the post trip blues, but hopefully that will go away soon. I talked to Jackie and she is feeling it too, so I know i'm not crazy, haha. It was just, being out there for two weeks, there was so much stuff going on every day and every night. Now...theres nothing going on. Its such a change, it kinda sucks.

I keep looking at pap pictures from recent days and wishing I was there. How pathetic is that? Zac and Vanessa had a double date with Brittany Snow and her BF. Lots of people out at the clubs. And now there is all this Pre-SAG award planning. Oh well. I guess I can enjoy from a distance.

I wonder how horrible it would be financially to live out there. I mean, Chicago is a pretty expensive city. I think only second or third to Los Angeles and New York City. It's not like it would be a HUGE culture shock. I have lived on my own before so I think I could manage. Though I don't know if I would want to be alone completely...i get lonely pretty easily. I would miss my family/pets and I would miss Jackie. I would also miss my work. I have the best job ever. Other than that, there is really nothing keeping me here. I HATE my past. I HATE seeing people from my past. Moving out there would be great in the fact that I would never be faced with that again. Chicago is a pretty cool place, but I love LA 1000x more. Everyone is so relaxed there in comparison to the people here. Everyone here is so stressed all the time and high strung. Also, LA is so pretty. Palm trees and green grass, mountains and the ocean. I mean, we have Lake Michigan here, but that is pretty gross to swim in. Though I am not a fan of swimming in large bodies of water...i have that fear of open water. When you are in LA, you are just a drive away from the desert and the huge mountains. Here in chicago, you are a drive away from Wisconsin. Or Corn Fields. Maybe a few farms. Doesn't even compare, haha.

Moving out there is just a fantasy though, I doubt it is something I could ever do. Like I said, I am so close to my family, it would be too difficult. Unless of course I could convince my family to move out there as well. My brother and sister would be easy...they wanna move out there so bad. My parents...that's another story. Dad could probably bend...i'm sure he has some friends out there. Mom though..she hates LA. Not because of anything that actually has to do with the city. She just hates it because she lived out there for awhile and it was a horrible time in her life. She DID recently reconnect with some family out there though..I actually have a cousin in Beverly Hills. Maybe..MAYBE...they can become close and want to be neighbors? haha..in my dreams.

Maybe one day...I gotta meet a perfect guy who will want to move out there as well. He also obviously has to be financially stable enough to live out there..lol. I'll find a job for sure, but I don't know how much money I would be banking out there. I'm not SUPER qualified to do anything really.

When I was in high school I wanted to be a sitcom writer so bad. If that wasn't possible, I wanted to be a Warner Brothers Studios tour guide. I could still probably do the second one. I know that lot better than most people. Maybe one day I can actually go back to college and get a degree in something that actually matters to me. In all honesty, its not too important of a goal for me. Happiness comes first..and I'm content right now. If I can work a job that keeps me happy and meet a guy that is almost perfect (because perfect guys don't exist), then we can have some cute babies (not too many) and lots of puppies, I will be pretty damn happy. I don't need a college degree for that. Some people need to be successful in work to be happy in life. Not me. I've been through so much crap in my life..really nothing else matters to me except being happy. I don't need titles and I don't need pieces of paper listing my accomplishments. I'm a pretty easy person to satisfy...just don't hurt me, that's all.

My First Blog Entry

I've had a blog before...but it was a loooong time ago. I don't know exactly why I decided to start another one. Maybe because I have so much shit on my mind lately and its hard to keep track of everything. I kept a hand written journal for a long time but its not easy to bring it everywhere I go. At least this way I can have access to update whenever I feel like it.

I just got back from spending two weeks in LA. I have mixed feelings about it. I did have a lot of fun...on most of the days. The days spent with the boys were the best. Driving around Toluca Lake and going out to the clubs at night. Not only was it cool meeting the people we met, but the boys themselves were great company. They were funny and we got into cool adventures. It was just more fun. If the whole trip was like that, it would have been perfect. But nothing is perfect. I kinda knew based on previous years what to expect, but I didn't know how bad it would be. I feel horrible that Jackie's first vacation in 10 years had to deal with all the drama. I know she had fun on the days we were with the guys, but still...she should have had fun the whole trip.

I really hope the boys don't think i'm a bitch or a horrible person. I know they don't, but i also know they hated the drama and I wish there was a way I could have avoided it but there wasn't. I wish I could have just ignored it and it would have gone away but that wouldn't have worked. Jackie put it best...it was like arguing with a brick wall. Oh well, its over and i can't put myself in that position again.

The last few days of the trip I was really bummed thinking that that might be the last LA trip. I've been doing it for so long and its so fun to get away from reality for awhile and do what we do, but I can't do it again if it is going to be like this. I guess I will worry about it when it gets closer to next January. Hopefully I can stay in touch with Jeff this time...i felt like a stranger talking to him before the trip but once it gets started its like I just saw him yesterday. Jeff is really cool in the sense that nothing really gets him down. Nothing pisses him off and if it does, he deals with it quickly and keeps having fun. I wish everyone could be like that. I know he told me 435345 times that he didn't mind having Jackie and I go places with him, and I'm sure he wasn't lying but I am pretty paranoid from past issues in life and I just felt like a burden.

If I do go next year, I will probably just do the first part of the trip with the boys and leave before the globes. It's really hard to do what they do while being a girl. Maybe I can pull it off if I lose 50lbs and look good enough to dress like a skank. Then I will at least have a chance at blending in. We'll see.

I know I'm not super close friends with the boys or anything, but we spent 14 days in a room together. And we talked ALOT before the trip. It kind of makes me sad to think I might never see them again, or might not talk to them as much anymore. I dunno, whatever happens happens. I'm not gonna stress about it. I just hate losing people in general.

I dunno why I'm so bummed out, i've been pretty sad the past couple days. I am happy to be home, I missed my family and my pets so much. AND i'm happy to not have to deal with the drama on the trip. But I miss LA. And I miss the fun times. It really is so much fun. I don't know how people do it 24/7, I would be so exhausted. I am STILL exhausted and I napped and slept A LOT yesterday and today. I guess its the adrenaline. Overall I did have a great time. Didn't get to meet Rob Dyrdek or Jason Bateman but it will happen one day. Driving by the Rob and Big house was so exciting for me, how much of a loser am i? haha

Its funny, i've been out there what, 7 or 8 times, and i always see the SAME people. Some things never change. Same collecters, same paps. Except Anthony. He was new this year. haha. But West Hollywood and Beverly Hills and Studio City and now Toluca Lake...theres a sense of familiarity there. Home kind of. Home away from home? I don't know. I still wouldn't want to be trapped on the streets of hollywood by myself at night, but at least now I am confident that if I am, I know how to get home.

Before the trip I was a little worried that I would be bummed if the boys got into events that Jackie and I didn't, but honestly, it didn't upset me at all. Reggie even got a pic with Bateman and I wasn't mad/sad about it. I was actually really happy for the guys. I think its awesome that they were able to pull it off so easily. They got like a thousand kick ass pictures in there. Like I said before, maybe if I was skinnier/prettier I could do it too. Maybe next time...haha. Hollywood is so different for guys and girls. Guys can be hot or ugly and they can blend in no matter what. Girls have to be perfect. Kinda sucks but what can you do? I don't make the rules.

Thats why I said next year, if I do end up going, I will most likely leave before the globes. That way I can do all the fun stuff with the guys and I won't be by myself for the events that I won't make it in to. I didn't mind so much this year because I had Jackie, but next year Jackie will be teaching so if I go i will be by myself.

I really really hate how I am feeling right now. And I don't know why I'm feeling it. I guess I feel like this everytime I come home from Cali, even if I know it was time to come home. It was a long ass trip, but it went pretty fast for me. I guess it just sucks because I really don't know if/when I will be going back out there.

Alright, I think I rambled on long enough. I gotta clean the ferret cage...they are giving me a look like its time.