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There is not one thing going right in my life right now. Not ONE fucking thing. Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't want it to come. I wish today would last forever. Actually, it's not just ANY birthday, its my golden birthday. That only happens once in my whole life. And it's going to be the worst birthday ever.

First off, I'm sick. It's not a big deal, but its not making me happy. I've had a cold/flu for at least 50% of this year so far. Its miserable. When I am sick, I can't sleep. When I can't sleep I get headaches. When I cry I get headaches, and I've been crying a shit ton these past few days.

Second...two of my ferrets are sick. I don't have the money to help them out...they have the beginning stages of Adrenal disease and even thinking that the end might be near for them makes me so sad. I've had Coda forever. He was part of the first three. He is such a good boy too...not a mean bone in his body. With boys, when they get adrenal disease, their hormones skyrocket. Coda has been humping the girls. And it's not just regular humping. It's rape. He PULLS them out of the hammock if the are sleeping, pins them down and bites their neck or ear hard to make them squeal. He doesn't do it to Emmy because she is also one of the original three, but he does it to the other two girls, including Kal who is the other one with adrenal disease. Kal has already had such a hard life...she was a stray ferret. When I got her she was walking the streets of chicago, her feet were all red and she was bone skinny. Then I took her home and she became a part of my ferret family. She was doing great...and you know, she is still doing alright (knock on wood). The vet said its a matter of months once they are diagnosed, but she is alright for now.

Yesterday, I made the decision to separate them. I had to, it was my only option because I can't keep having Coda attacking the girls. Now the girls are upstairs and the boys are downstairs. It's just sad to me because they've lived together for so long and now they can't. I know this probably isn't a big deal to you...but animals are so important to me. I can't seem them hurt physically or emotionally. It was heartbreaking watching Emmy and Coda dig between the two levels trying to get to each other.

Third, there is something wrong with my computer. It freezes upon startup. Now I am afraid to shut it down. I CAN'T afford a new computer. I just can't. And my computer is pretty much my life, haha. I just..don't need this right now.

Fourth, my ps3 has been freezing. That's not the biggest deal in the world either, but I need my ps3. I watch movies and play games pretty much every day. I know its the old version and it might be time to upgrade to the slim, but once again, I can't afford it. I couldn't if I wanted to. There are so many other things I need money for right now. Mikey and Katie..i'd like to get them a beach pass for the summer. That's easily $150. Ferret food and cleaning supplies cost money. Bills. I just can't afford a new toy right now.

Fifth..I'm turning fucking 24. 24! And the more I look back the more I realize I've accomplished NOTHING. I'm moving to LA...i've pretty much already decided that. I just can't do it for awhile. Probably not for a year or two. I need money..once again its all about money. Yes, it will be terrifying to go out there alone, but I have to give it a shot. I just have to. I can't look back in another 10 years and think about what would have happened if i went. I HATE it here. I don't hate the city of Chicago. I actually think it's a gorgeous city and it really is the happy medium between LA and NYC. I'm just sick of it. I have nothing here. I have Jackie, but honestly, she doesn't have time for me anymore anyways. She has three things that come first and that's her job, her school and her boyfriend. Between her making time for all those things..i get to see her maybe once every 8-10 weeks if I'm lucky.

That's the sixth thing I suppose. Jackie is my only friend. She is my best friend. I'm trying to be as understanding as I possibly can..and I do understand that school and work come first. But...she has time to talk to her boyfriend every single day and see him more often than she sees me and he has treated her like complete shit for the past four years. Why does someone who has been so terrible to her take precedence over me? I don't get it, I won't get it. I know boyfriend > best friend. But really..if you were to even know everything he has ever done to her...its ridiculous. I don't think I have ever really done anything to hurt her feelings. Maybe I have, but if I did it wasn't anything comparable to him. I'd literally have to become the biggest bitch in the world to come close to what he has done. The other thing that bugs me, is even when we used to hang out...he would call her every 3o min or so. He doesn't trust her hanging out with me. With ME! I am the most chill non partier in the world. He accuses me of taking her to meet other guys. Come on. We go to lunch or a movie, have 3 hours maybe and thats it. And that was the past, that doesn't even happen now. But she did come over a couple weeks ago, and it was great, but guess what? He called. BIG surprise. And it wasn't just hey, love you, bye, he proceeded to tell her about an ear issue. I mean...the first time I see my best friend in like 10 weeks...and he's gotta take some of it. I guess I sound kind of selfish...but really, I don't think I am. If it was just school and work that was the issue..fine. But the BF...i just can't take it forever. I don't see how its fair that I am number two to someone who has done terrible things to her. If he was an amazing guy and did no wrong...fine..maybe I'm number two. But really...shouldn't friends ALWAYS come before guys no matter what? Especially asshole guys? And the kicker is...she saw him last week..shes going out with him this week..and its my birthday. She doesn't have time for me. Not even on my birthday week. You know this guy hasn't done a damn thing for her on ANY birthday or holiday in the past 4 years? I've been there for her during those times. ME. You know, its not Jackie at all. She is the sweetest best person in the world. She deserves to focus on her career and I'm glad she is doing it. Also, Jackie has stood by me and helped me get through some really rough situations in life. I will ALWAYS be grateful for that. Like I said, she will ALWAYS be my best friend, I just...I can't understand why she has time to talk to him EVERY day and see him when now months go by between us hanging out and weeks go by without phone calls. And I don't understand why during the rare times when we do get to hang out...he has to get in the middle of it. I don't think I've ever hung out with her without them having a full on phone conversation. I don't get it. She will always be my best friend...but while things go on like this...can't you see why I feel there's nothing left in Chicago? I would probably see Jackie and talk to her just as much if I lived across the country.

So where am I? That was the sixth thing, right? Alright...seven. Like I said before, Jackie is my best friend..but really, I don't have ANY other friends I can count on. No one. I have Jackie, and my family. That's it. Actually, Lindsey at work is kinda cool. We don't hang out, but when we work together on Sunday's we talk and stuff. I wouldn't mind hanging out with her sometime, it might be fun. I don't make friends easily anymore and I just think it's kind of pathetic that I don't have anyone to spend tomorrow with.

Eight...I didn't graduate college. I'm still living at home. Facebook really is the devil because all it does is make me look and see that 80% of the people I graduated high school with are more successful than me. Some MARRIED and have BABIES. I still feel like a child. I know I'm not a child, but I feel really stupid when I hear about people I used to know doing so many amazing things. I honestly don't even want to go back to school. Maybe that will change eventually, but not now.

That brings me to nine. I am 24 and still don't know where my life is going. I don't even have an idea. I guess, LA is the start. That at least points me in the right direction of where I want to go. But what do I do once I get there? Who knows? I'd like to work on a television show of some kind doing anything really. That won't be easy. We'll see.

I dunno, I'm sure there are more things. You know...Sunday was just the worst day ever. Between me being sick, the computer breaking, the ps freezing and coda attacking the girl ferrets, it just sucked. Sunday was also the 10th anniversary of No Strings Attached. Not a big deal to most people..but a big deal to me. It's been 10 fucking years? Damn. I brought out my NSA concert DVD and just cried. I miss *Nsync. I wasn't crying because I love them and want them to get back together. I was crying because obviously everything that day already sucked, and then once the concert started on tv, it just reminded me of how happy I felt when *Nsync was around. It was a horrible time in my life as well..but whenever *Nsync was on TV, or their CD was on, and especially when I was at one of their shows, it felt like my problems didn't matter. *Nsync had some sort of magical power that made everything okay. Now...they aren't together. I was lucky enough to see their last performance ever live. We (we being all the fans) knew it was gonna be the last one. And I cried the whole time. It was one simple rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, but the way they were able to harmonize...it was magical. And before they sang it, they hadn't performed together in two years. First time singing together in two years and they nailed it. It was perfect. NO boy band sounded nearly as good as they did. The only one I would compare them to was Boyz II Men. Anyways, *Nsync...they will always be special to me. Always. Like I said..they made me feel better when everything in life sucked.

Now..the only thing that really makes me laugh when I am down is Fantasy Factory and Rob and Big. I guess it's my little outlet. I can't wait until the third season. Is it sad that its really the only thing I am looking forward to? It is sad. It's actually really pathetic. That pretty much sums up this whole entry. Seriously...the ONLY thing I am looking forward to is the season premiere of a television show. Now..that explains why everything in my life sucks.

I DO have the best dog in the world though. I love him so much, and no matter what I know he always loves me. He makes me happy too. He really does. I can't move out to LA if I can't bring him. It just wouldn't work.

Alright, I'm starting to feel nauseous. Maybe from being sick, maybe from working myself up crying while writing this. Who knows?

Anyways, I'll write again soon..probably Sunday. I'll tell you how AWESOME AND AMAZING MY BIRTHDAY WAS! right..